Is 'the spark' a red flag? Sometimes. Experts say look for this in a relationship instead
You just got back from what you thought was a great date. Or was it?
You felt the attraction. You saw the compatibility. You enjoyed yourself.
But something was... missing. Despite all your date's green flags and the sense of security you felt around them, you didn't feel "the spark" − that elusive, seemingly magical rush that sometimes kicks off romantic relationships.
So, does this mean you and your date aren't ultimately meant to be? Not at all, relationship experts say. In fact, sometimes the spark can be a red flag.
"The spark has kind of become my nemesis," says Logan Ury, director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge and author of the book "How to Not Die Alone." "People are over-indexing on the spark on the first date, and they are rejecting great potential partners."
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Let's demystify 'the spark'
According to Ury, there's three main myths about the spark. The first is that it can't grow over time, which she calls absolutely untrue, as evidenced by the multitude of thriving relationships and marriages that did not begin with a spark.
The second, she says, is the spark is always a good thing. Ury says people who have dated toxic partners in the past often mistake feeling secure in a healthy relationship for a lack of a spark.
Really, what they're feeling is a lack of anxiety.
"Sometimes, for people who are anxiously attached, the spark is actually a sign that you're not sure how this person feels about you, and you mistake anxiety and alarm bells for chemistry and butterflies," Ury says.
The third myth about the spark is that it indicates a relationship has long-term potential. Eventually, the spark fades − and when it does, you're forced to confront problems in your relationship the spark may have made you overlook.
"A lot of couples basically had the spark in the beginning, and then they encounter a bunch of issues that probably should have told them that they weren't a good match," Ury says. "Yes, the spark exists, and it does feel wonderful when it happens, but just because you had it in the beginning doesn't necessarily mean that this is the right person for you."
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Sara Nasserzadeh, a social psychologist and author of the book "Love by Design: 6 Ingredients to Build a Lifetime of Love," coming Feb. 6, says there's a big difference between seeking an experience and seeking a relationship. If you're chasing the spark, you're likely looking for the former and not the latter.
"One of the things that is misguided in the popular culture is, when we talk about being attracted to another person, usually we equate that to having this spark," she says. "If you're looking to build something − build a life, build a family, build whatever − in a long-lasting, thriving relationship with somebody, a spark is not necessary."
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Forget 'the spark.' Look for this instead
Instead of chasing a spark, Ury encourages daters to look for a slow burn.
She describes this as a bond that builds gradually and is more robust. Ury says her relationship with her now-husband began as a slow burn: They first met in college, became coworkers seven years later and were good friends for a year before they started dating. They've been a couple for nine years.
"The slow burn is somebody who gets better over time," Ury says. "They may not be initially the most exciting or the most charismatic, but they're a really high-quality person. They would make a great long-term partner, and they actually just take longer to open up."
Instead of asking yourself if you felt a spark after your next date, try pondering the following questions in order to figure out if the person you went out with has potential. Ury devised these questions and calls them "The Post-Date Eight":
- What side of me did they bring out?
- How did my body feel during the date? Tense, relaxed or somewhere in between?
- Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?
- Is there something about them that I'm curious about?
- Did they make me laugh?
- Did I feel heard?
- Did I feel attractive in their presence?
- Did I feel captivated, bored or somewhere in between?
You shouldn't write someone off if you do feel the spark either; just know there's a lot more that goes into a real relationship.
"If it's the only thing that people base their relationship on, and they forget about the rest of the fundamentals that need to be present, then, yes, it's really only an experience at maximum," Nasserzadeh says. "But if that is present and the rest of the elements are present too, then that's just a cherry on the cake."
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